5/3/24
mood:
hello everyone. im tweaking out once again. first of all my period cramps have been so bad i had to go home from school at lunch yesterday because i thought i was going to die and pass out and throw up. second of all im sad for no reason again like EVERY OTHER DAY.. LIKE DAMN...... but omgggg i have to do smth about it one day bc why do i keep doing this. nothing rlly bad is even happening in my life i have friends and my family is ok i guess and i dont get bullied like i did in middle school. but i still tweak out anyway. like its pissing me off by now why cant i just lock in and be happy and normal why do i have to get suicidal every 10 seconds. stop making me mad. and my stomach hurts so bad for no reason and im still in pain and i think H is gonna kill himself bc he was gone all week and he looked so sad today and i couldnt even talk to him and hes the only person alive ive wanted to talk too all week. i miss him so bad and i feel horrible for not being able to do anything about it. and i just want to go to sleep for like 3 years and not wake up untill everything is better. whatever i need to take advil and go to bed
4/18/24
mood:
i was literally so happy all day and then the second i got home i got the kms urge again. your making me maaddddd omfg why am i so upset over this boy. i was emo when i didnt talk to him and now im emo bc i do. its not even that fr though im sad bc im so dissapointed. i had a whole idea in my head of what talking to him would be like and its just. ohmygod. im just fr tired of being brave like that sounds so stupid but like getting out of your comfort zone and getting nothing in return is so annoying. i wish he could be braver for a second i wish he could actually talk to me first and TEXT ME BACK. and when i do see him we both just talk to bestfriend3 bc hes there too and only sometimes actually talk to eachother and never for a long time and thinking about it pisses me off so bad. i cant talk about it this is abt to make me mad ok anyway. the rest of today was good i watched the monster high movie on my friends computer in social studies and it stormed out so we kept scream laughing saying it was the storm from fortnite. we are all 8 years old. anywya ive been so nostalgic for 6th grade lately even more then i normally am. like once a month i have to read through the whole website i made for me and my friends minecraft server back then and listen to all the songs i used to have on repeat. it heals me physically istg
4/14/24
mood:
ive been putting off writing another entry in here or my irl diary bc i literallyjust dont wanna talk abt the trip. like it wasnt that bad besides the fact that i had to stand up on a train completely full of people for 2 whole hours its just boring to write about. idek why i just dont want too. so just trust. anyway me and H see eachother like everyday now and guys. hes a lil. weird. like im not saying i dont like him just sometimes when he says or does smth its like why would you do that. yk. idk i still like him and i will still be defending him with my life everytime my friends say hes weird because thats my man. but its kinda making me sad bc ik its not gonna last he literally never answers my texts untill like 8000000 hours after i send them and we only see eachother twice a day and only talk a little when we see eachother. and just in general we arent rlly like. compatible. idk. the first time i talked to him i was screaming abt him not being cringe but he was probably just not doing it then. whatever i still love him im just emo rn dont even listen to me
4/3/24
mood:
ITS MY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! MAKE SOME NOISE FOR SEXY REDDDD MAKE SOME NOISE YALL WHAT THE FUCK!! im literally nottt doing anything for my birthday today besides my mom making me a cake and pasta for dinner. but tommorrow im literally going on a 3 day trip to CHICAGO. which is so insane bc i literally never go anywhere ever and now im going like 400000000 miles away from my city to CHICAGO!!!! im kindof so scared i feel like im gonna get hit by a car or kidnapped or smth. but whatever bc i get to go to an aquarium!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fr so excited omfg. anyway happy biiirthdaayy. tooo meeeeeeee. im 15 now which doesnt matter at all to anyone but that means next summer ill be 16. SIXTEEN. ill be able to drive and get a job and have a sweet 16 like the dazey and the scouts song. oh my god im so scared i hate getting older i do NOTTTTTTTTT want to be an adult. and ik 16 is not adult but its 2 YEARS AWAY FROM 18. i seripusly still forget im not in 7th grade im not ready for this. whateverrr i cant get exsistential rn its literally my birthday. i cant have a midlife crisis yet
3/27/24
mood:
HIIII EVERYONEEE!!!! I LOVE MY MAN!! I LOVE EVERYTHING EVER AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL. last post was a false alarm sorrrryyy. he does want me. i was being dramatic bc i was having a psychotic episode please never listen to me again. we text everyday and i talked to him irl yesterday and omg. yall. today there was some basketball game at my school and we went together and UUSHDGUDIFJHDWIEDJF. we literally couldnt figure out how to get in the bleachers so we just stood there for 1000 years and talked. he is so silly and so fine and so tall. like insanely tall and his eyes are so prettyyyyyyy. and it literally wasnt akward talking to him at all i expected it to be kinda quiet and weird but hes so easy to talk too. omg im being a creep rn sorry but im so excited to talk to him again when i get off break. jddjfhjdhfju
3/19/24
mood:
i did it. i made bestfriend3 tell him like 2 days ago. and i said "oh hes gonna be dissapointed when you say its me" and he was. idk that exactly but he didnt say that he 100% wanted me. and he said "ill text her later today or tomorrow night!!" hey. no he didnt. hey he literally just didnt. i made a whole discord account for him and he just didnt text me. by making the account i did realize i can still get into my old acct from 2020 and i went through all of me and his old texts and omg. i was so embarassing. but oml our convos are so sweet its like 90% just him calling me then me saying i cant talk bc im playing minecraft. im being so serious rn i did that like 40 times it was so funny. anyway i stayed up until 2am yesterday texting bestfriend3 waiting for him to text me because im a DUMBASS. because im STUPID. dont be like me dont ever be like me dont ever do that for a man. especially one that doesnt want you. dont ever ever ever do what i did for any reason. and after that i got sick so im staying home and thats where i am rn. listening to mitskis whole discography and fighting the kms urge. i feel so stupid and thats bc i am. DONT EVER TALK TO MEN. DONT TALK TO MEN. DONT FALL IN LOVE WITH MEN. DONT MAKE THE MISTAKES I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEED MY WARNING DONT FUCKING DO IT FOR ANY REASON!!
3/15/24
mood:
ok so bestfriend3 is friends with H right. and he said he'll put me on w him. but im horrified out of my mind bc i have never asked anyone out in my whole life. ive never had a relationship in my life either which is normal bc im young asf but still idk wtf im doing. and everytime i think abt actually confessing to him i actually get nauseous like im so scared. and im literally ugly btw like just saying that. thats mostly why im scared bc i am UGLY. and another thing is he knew me in 5th- early 6th and i was such a freak. like i was an anime pfp furry flamingo fan. OH MY GOD ITS SO EMBARASSING IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. and if he says no im going into isolation forever. but if he says yes i also might so into isolation forever bc my other fears are like. what do i do. like what are you supposed to do when your in a relationship. i actually dont know im not playing with you i have no idea. whatever i have his spotify and i just keep going through it again and again like its gonna change one of the times i look at it. but guys he listens to yumi. and watches tgc. and he has a catgirl pfp. god i need him
3/10/24
mood:
first of all i got a B on that spanish assignment. CLEARED. ATE. im still failing that class but like i memorized 47 flash cards in 3 days. im proud of myself for that fr.. but other then that like nothing has happened. atleast nothing i can remember. ive been so happy lately thougghhh its like crazy. it feels so weird to be genuinely happy after so long of wanting to kms fr. joyful as hell. ive just been playing webkinz and rewatching old flamingo videos because i was OBSESSEDDDDD with him in elementary and it reminds me of my childhood. but seeing "4 years ago" under the videos is crazy to me. like when u see 4 years ago you expect it to be like 2016 and then it was posted in 2020. omg the passing of time is crazy
3/4/24
mood:
so i bought RED. RED. REDDDDD. box dye from walmart and dyed my hair yesterday. and it literally came out orange. like dark copper orange. so now ima ginger and like it isnt that bad i actually fr like how it looks but its just kind of annoying bc on the box it was literally red..... but anyway theres 100 ants in my room now bc every spring and summer every ant in america shows up in my room to crawl on my walls and desk and everything else ever. its so gross and annoying but oh well... i have like 80 ant traps out + i sprayed raid + theyll starve sometime bc im not dirty and nasty and gross. i complain so much on here im sorry other then that im doing really well fr. im actually happy rn and ive been locking in more at school. ive been studying so hard for that spanish assignment i mentioned 4 billion years ago for so long. so. long. so i think im ready.... but im still kinda nervous fr bc this is like my last hope to get my grade up before either the semester or quarter i dont remember which ends and grades are finalized. im an atheist but pray for me anyway frrr
2/29/24
mood:
today was actually a good day fr.... nothing specifically good happened but nothing bad happened either so who cares. but omg H got a haircut and it looks so bad. his hair was past his ears before and it looked so fluffy and cute and then he got a LOW TAPER FADE. LIKE THE SONG. LIKE "imagine if ninja got a LOW TAPER FAADEE". hes fr exactly like yumi bc he literally did that too. he looks almost exactly like yumi too maybe thats why i want him so bad but dont tell anyone. anyway im kind of glad he did bc i need to get over him like actualllyyyyyy... im obsessed w him in a really unhealthy way and ik i need to stop but i literally do this with every single person i fall in love with. i was in love w my last crush for 3 WHOLE YEARS. i only fell out of love w him bc we went to different highschools. and also because he had long beautiful brown hair and then he got a buzzcut. it ruined my life istg i was in mourning for like a week.... i was so depressed omg it was not that serious
2/28/24
mood:
literally slept 2 hours last night. im going kind of completely insane lately. idk what my problem is but ive been so sad for so long now like nothing that bad is even happening to me. besides H not wanting me and also being lonely like nothing else in my life is bad. its fr just me im like going into psychosis or something. but i refuse to tell literally anyone irl bc thats corny and embarassing and ill probably delete this entry later too bc i cannot talk abt my feelings fr. but whatever idegaf. idk why i get so carnally depressed over a man that was wearing a street fighter hoodie and red checker pj pants today. typing that just made me want him more omfg i have to log off im abt to start throwing up
2/27/24
mood:
so i actually went to school today. and i was right i did have like 900000 trillion missing assignments i literally had to much to do for no reason. + i have 55 flashcards i need to draw, color, and memorize in my spanish class. and its due in 3. DAYS. it was assigned today btw. with 20 minutes left of class. idk what drugs my spanish teacher thinks im on to be able to do that... but anyway H wasnt even here today so it was not worth it. and bestfriend3 was gone in art class so i was alone and dying. i just sat on my phone the whole time which i wont be able to do after spring break btw because their banning phones at my school. and making us put them in these like foam bags all day. bye its so annoying. phones arent even that big of a problem imo but ok. the only good thing that happened today is that i got to see 2 and 3 bestfriend at lunch. and i also ate one of those lemon hostess cupcakes at lunch and OMFG. those are the best things on earth.
2/26/24
mood:
im staying home from school today because im sick. like every other day of my life. i fr get stomach sick once a week im so tired of ittttttt and everytime i go to a doctor they say "its because of anxiety!!" no its not. i dont get so anxious that i get sick for days on end on a weekly basis i am tired of you. atleast i get to stay home and work on this website and play roblox all day. even though ill be worried about the assignments im missing the whole time bc my teachers assign 9 million assignments per day. it doesnt matter anyway bc i am not going to school sick idec.. but anyway im dying my hair fully dark red this weekend. i usually just do the bottom layer of my hair, but im feeling insane rn. if it doesnt look good im going bald (joke)
2/24/24
mood:
first entry on here is everything u need to know abt me to understand these. GET READY BC THIS IS KIND OF ALOT. so im in love with this guy that i used to be bestfreinds with in 5th grade, then stopped because we went to different middle schools, but one day he fr just appeared in my art class. like randomly showed up 2 weeks after school started. (but we dont talk because im scared of him) you needed to know that because i will be talking abt him on here sometimes. ill just call him H, for him. because im too scared to put his actual inital. i also have 3 friends, who im gonna call bestfriend1, bestfriend2, and bestfriend3. or just 1, 2, and 3 for short. write that all down it will be on the quiz.